Now that we are beginning to timidly
de-escalate in Spain, we must think about the strange new world that will open
up before us as we arrive at that nebulous state known as the “new normal”.
Without any doubt, in the post-coronavirus world, there will be a significant
number of activities that will require great ingenuity and imagination. One of
them is online dating.
As everyone is aware, there are currently a
number of online dating sites for meeting people of one’s same age, sexual
orientation, religious beliefs, mindset, etc. Even before the Covid-19 tsunami,
a lot of people, both young and old, used these applications to meet their
significant (or non-significant) other.
My daughter (in her 30s) met her partner thanks
to a dating app, and my sister (in her late 50s) also met her husband in that same
way. Fortunately, neither of these men turned out to be an axe-murderer, and
both couples are now living happily ever after.
Since Internet did not exist in prehistoric
times, I have never engaged in this practice. However, thanks to the mating rituals of close
family members, I have been able to view first-hand the complex process of profile-creation,
candidate selection, chatting, and eventual face-to-face meeting, which online
dating entails. All of these phases can vary somewhat, depending on the age,
interests, and goals of the people involved.
When my sister, the jazz musician, created her
profile, she initially sliced five years off her age. She was able to get away
with it because she looks younger than she is. She told me that if she had been
truthful about her age, she would only have gotten suitors in wheel chairs and
oxygen tanks.
Her husband is five years younger than she is, and he has no
complaints. When she finally revealed her true age to him, she did so in a very
pleasurable context in which such revelations seem totally inconsequential. She
also never prolonged the chatting phase because she quite rightly asserted that
she had no time to lose. However, meeting people too soon, without a previous
phase of chat-elimination, means that before Prince Charming finally comes
along, one ends up kissing more than a few frogs.
In contrast, my daughter, the forensic doctor,
had no need to misrepresent her age. During her Internet dating period, she was
not in a hurry and would chat with each candidate for a fairly long period of
time,. During the chat phase, the man had to pass a basic literacy test.
This meant his messages had to be syntactically and semantically coherent. He also
had to reflect his lexical competence (ability to accurately use words of three
syllables or more without misspelling them). He was also expected to be
courteous and be able to talk about current events with a reasonable level of
intelligence and good humor. If he passed all of these tests, then a
face-to-face meeting could be arranged to see if the real person corresponded
to the online persona.
With the coronavirus confinement, dating sites
have risen in importance because they are now the only totally safe way for
people to get to know and meet each other. (Covid-19 has still not mutated
sufficiently to affect a computer, much less the person operating it.) For this
reason, more or more people are searching for their other half online. It is
thus of paramount importance to know how to exhibit one’s charms and be as
attractive as possible within the context of the “new normal”.
So if you are seeking a partner, you should
thus be aware that, thanks to the coronavirus, modern canons of beauty have
been irrevocably altered. If you wish to appear attractive in the post-Covid-19
era, it is necessary to adapt your profile accordingly.
First of all, never has the maxim “Cleanliness
is next to godliness” been so important. Clean is definitely beautiful. In your
profile photo, you should be well-groomed. For this purpose, you should wear an
attractive surgical mask (a face shield is optional). PPE (Personal Protective
Equipment) in the form of a white suit is not necessary since this would
indicate a certain level of paranoia. However, your profile picture should be
taken after you have showered.
As for your apparel, the best colors to wear are
blue and white since they are symbolic of cleanliness. In fact, most brands of
hand sanitizer use this same color combination.
Age is now less of a problem since the current
focus is on health. If you have medical issues, you are now the ultimate ugly
duckling. Personal information should include your latest blood test as a valid
health indicator. If it also provides information saying that you are immune to
Covid-19, your degree of attractiveness is boosted by various points.
Professional information should also be
carefully weighed and analyzed before inserting it in your profile. An
attractive profession is any work that can be done from home since that means
that you will not lose your job during the next quarantine.
If you are a healthcare worker or a supermarket
cashier, think carefully about revealing this information until the
relationship has advanced considerably. You may be a hero at 8.00 PM each day,
but the rest of the time, you are a social leper since everyone is afraid that
you are contagious and a carrier of disease.
If you absolutely must reveal your
profession, it is preferable say that you are a drug dealer since this
indicates a high level of financial solvency. Strictly speaking, it is not a
lie because a doctor or nurse does deal out drugs to patients.
In the post-coronavirus world, the chatting
phase is also affected. First of all, you should not be in a hurry to meet the
other person. Before any face-to-face encounter, it is necessary to explore
his/her views on things like social distancing (how near is too near?), normal
body temperature (36.5ºC or 37ºC?), and cough frequency and intensity.
After a period of messaging, you can then morph
into FaceTime. In this more visual phase, the health condition of the other
person can be further explored since you can view them as they engage in
workouts in front of the television. You can also see whether their apartment
has a large balcony. These are all important aspects to consider in today’s
world.
When a face-to-face encounter is finally
planned, a set of rules of engagement should be established. The first meeting can
be in a park during the one-hour time when it is possible to exercise or take a
walk.
Togetherness is defined as a distance of not less than two meters. Masks
and gloves should be worn at all times. The mask can only be removed for a few
seconds to assure mutual recognition. These outdoor walks may continue over an
indefinite period of time.
The final level is the most difficult. It is
when there is actual skin contact between the two participants. When both
parties are finally convinced that the other is healthy, clean, non-infectious
and, of course, sexually desirable to some degree, then it is possible to take
the relation to the next level.
The first step is to surreptitiously meet in the
apartment of one or the other, where masks and surgical gloves can be taken off.
After a vigorous hand-washing session (preferably in separate basins), you can
hold hands while talking. Subsequent steps depend on whether this first meeting
goes well, and whether it generates any effects on your health or on the health
of the other person.
There is a problem, of course, if you are in a
great hurry to get the ball rolling, so to speak. This usually happens if you
are in an agitated state because of an abnormally high level of hormonal activity,
accompanied by a generous rush of dopamine. In this context, the only way for
both parties to be completely safe is to use personal protective equipment. If
additional guarantees are necessary, hazardous material (HazMat) suits can be
worn.
Nevertheless, for this endeavor to be
successful, each suit should be equipped with a strategic opening to facilitate
the activities envisaged. At this point, it is important to bear in mind (even
in the throes of passion) that hand sanitizer is only for hands, not for other
appendages. (Alcohol irritates the skin in delicate areas.) So, cleanliness can only be taken so far.
In any case, this is something that each couple
must figure out for themselves. It is one of the many challenges of the
post-coronavirus era.
