Last Friday was a big day because the government announced the regions of Spain that had progressed to Phase 1. Madrid and Barcelona were the biggest losers because they only progressed to Phase 0.5 (a decaffeinated Phase 1 invented by the government as a consolation prize). Even though neither Madrid nor Barcelona made the grade, the government wanted to give both cities the illusion of progress, and so they decided to use decimals, which is heavy mathematical artillery.
Nevertheless, there is always a problem when you play around with decimals. When a teacher gives a student a 4.5 instead of a 5.0 (the lowest passing mark on a scale of 10), students think that they deserve to pass and want to haggle as though they were in a Turkish bazaar. For this reason, I only fail students with a mark of 4.0 or lower. If they obtain a 4.5, I mercifully raise their grade to 5.0*. When I first started doing this, students would come and ask me what the asterisk meant. I would say that it was short for “because it was your lucky day”.
And so Madrid and Barcelona have failed by half a decimal point, without an asterisk. This somehow makes everything worse, and, of course, bad students generally blame the teacher. Barcelona rather expected the news, but Madrid was extremely unhappy and blamed government politics. Now they will have to impatiently fume and wait until the following week to progress.
In contrast to Madrid and Barcelona, Granada finally made it to Phase 1. This signifies that on Monday, some restrictions will be lifted. Everyone here has thus breathed a collective sigh of relief. However, the game is not over yet. To prepare us for our new life at this level in De-escalation Phase 1 (which is really 2 because we started at 0), the government has issued a mind-boggling set of instructions.
Mr. and Mrs. Neanderthal, who live the apartment across the hall, have asked for my help because they have been unable to navigate their way through the labyrinth of official language and decipher what they will be permitted to do on Monday. Although I also found the list tedious to read, I was able to understand it, thanks to many years of previous training with university documents that tend to be written in a similar style. The university and the government obviously use the same ghostwriter.
So, I have made a summary of what will directly affect them. Needless to say, this summary does not include Phase 1 rules for things such as celebrating scientific conferences and for training in high-performance sports installations
Like the Neanderthals, I am also thinking about my new existence in this phase. Will Phase 1 improve my quality of life? The answer, is “No, not really”. There will still be a line to enter the grocery store as well as shifts for outdoor exercise. National and international travel will still not be permitted. However, it is always a mistake to be so pessimistic. If I focus on the half-full glass, Phase 1 does include a few perks.
During Phase 1, even though work will continue to be online, I can request permission from the university to enter my office for five minutes. That way I will be able to restart the server of my research website, which crashed during confinement.
I will also be allowed to travel outside the city of Granada to another town in the same province. Even though I have no plans to do this, it is nice to know that I can. However, going to Malaga (where all my in-laws live) will have to wait until Phase 2.
On Monday if I wish to buy clothing, I will also be able to do so without first requesting an appointment at the store. The bad news is that there will doubtlessly be a long line because stores can only allow customers to enter individually after their hands have been sanitized. Each customer must be personally attended by a salesperson. After trying on a blouse or skirt, the fitting room will be disinfected as well as the article of clothing if the customer decides not to buy it. Shopping will evidently never be the same again.
However, in the grand scheme of things, this really does not matter since new clothes have ceased to be a priority. There is no place to go to wear them.
Regarding cosmetics, no testers will be available. So, powder, creams, and lipstick must be chosen on a leap of faith. In any case, these products are no longer necessary because everyone wears masks to cover their face. So, why bother with make-up? Looking younger has never been easier. It is just a question of buying a new mask.
Phase 1 also means that religious services can be held though the church/ synagogue/mosque can only be filled to a third of its capacity. All attendees must practice social distancing at all times. There can be no distribution of papers, pamphlets, books, or holy water. Choir singing is also forbidden. If you are Muslim and need to take off your shoes, each shoe must be bagged and your feet sanitized. In fact, before and after each religious service of any type, everything must be disinfected. So, religion will never be quite the same either.
If I happen to kick the bucket in Phase 1, my corpse will not feel so lonely because now up to ten people will be able to attend my wake and funeral. If services are outside, then the number can even be as high as fifteen. That means that I can benevolently gaze downward (or upward) and rejoice at the number of people who grieve my passing. I can also make plans to haunt anyone who did not attend.
Restaurant terraces will also open, but tables must be located at a suitable distance from each other. Salt and pepper shakers, olive oil and vinegar bottles on the table are now banished forever. Menus are also a thing of the past. If restaurants cannot write their menu on a whiteboard, they must facilitate a link so that one can view the menu and order food by cell phone. If the customer does not have a cell phone, those with loud voices can shout out their order. However, all of this remains to be seen. In any new phase, there are always a few wrinkles that will inevitably be ironed out.
Restaurant customers have a time limit of forty-five minutes to remain at their table. This is the period of time allotted to consume the order (hopefully once it is on the table). Since there cannot be any lingering over a meal, it is necessary to plan accordingly and not request excessive amounts of food and drink. Furthermore, everyone should wear a diaper because public restrooms will not be available.
At the end of the day, I guess that the best news is that now gatherings of up to ten people will be permitted. So at last, family and friends will finally be able to get together again, either at home or outside.
Unfortunately, in this regard, being 70 or over is not a good thing because even those of us in good health have suddenly become an endangered species, threatened with extinction. So, my daughter says that family gatherings will have to wait until Phase 2.0 (hopefully in the next ten days). It is better to be safe than sorry.
