The pandemic has been dragging on for too long. Even though Covid-19 is finally remitting, the government wants it to be completely over and done with. Indeed, it has become such an embarrassment that the Socialist Party is even in danger of losing some of its support. The coronavirus confinement is providing the opposition with a wealth of ammunition for their daily barrage of criticism.
If President Sanchez does not get the country back to normal soon, he will have more difficulty getting re-elected. Needless to say, he is not the only world leader with this problem.
Quite understandably, the government is in a great hurry to open Spain up, especially to international tourism. This would attenuate criticism and relieve some of the pressure. It has thus begun to offer shortcuts to speed up the de-escalation process. Provinces may soon be able to change phases after only one week instead of two.
Like the government, Spaniards also want life to return to what it was before confinement. Everyone is eager to drink and be merry, and to celebrate the fiestas that had to be cancelled in the spring because of the need for social distance.
If all goes well, September will be one long party. We might have the opportunity to run with the bulls, have water and tomato fights, offer flowers to the Virgin Mary, and celebrate gay pride, all in the space of one month.
This impatience to return to normalcy is fueled by the relatively smooth progression of Spanish provinces from one phase to another in the de-escalation ‘video game’, in which one only has to blast a sufficient number of viruses to get to the next level. There are now fewer restrictions everywhere.
After so much death, this sounds too good to be true. Even though government leaders (regardless of the ruling political party) have their own version of the truth, it is a fact that the hospitals have fewer coronavirus patients. The doctors in my son’s hospital have been told that they will be able to go on vacation this summer. My son will be off work during the month of July and will be able to see his children again.
For me, this news is more convincing than government reports, which must always be taken with a grain of salt. Despite my habitual pessimism, I am beginning to feel cautiously hopeful that the new normal will soon appear on the horizon. Right now the magic date is the first of July.
I have been wondering why we are having such good luck now. For the last three months, all the news has been bad. Now, we are suddenly deluged with good news. It is almost too much to digest at one time. I have pondered on this conundrum and have come up with two possible explanations.
The first explanation comes from as far away as Texas. As you might recall, about two months ago, televangelist Rev. Kenneth Copeland decided to blow a double blast of hot air (something that he has a considerable supply of). At the beginning of April, he claimed to have exorcised Covid-19 by summoning "the wind of God" to destroy the virus.
Lamentably, his holy wind never reached New Orleans, where many died of the virus. This might have happened because of poor aim or perhaps because the holy wind was expelled from another orifice. However, southern Europe can now thank Rev. Copeland because his hot air finally ended up crossing the Atlantic and hitting the bullseye in Spain and Italy. This could be the reason why things are going so well in both countries.
The second possible explanation comes from Madrid. Quite recently, the Spanish government decided to improve statistics by bringing various people back to life. Accordingly, on 25 May, two thousand of those previous classified as ‘dead’ were declared to be ‘undead’. The newly created coronavirus zombies are now legion. Needless to say, this is an excellent way to make the numbers more favorable.
Until that moment, Spain’s deaths per million were over 600. Now they are 580, and vying with those of the United Kingdom and France. This is an excellent ploy to lure tourism back to Spanish shores. Other world leaders, such as President Trump in the USA or President Bolsonaro in Brazil, should perhaps take note of this technique.
Thanks to this admirable sleight-of-hand, on 25 May, Spain’s death toll was reduced from 28,752 deaths to 26,837 (in one fell swoop). However, on 26 May, after thinking about it, our government health experts decided that 2000 zombies was an excessive number. They then took 200 of those recently proclaimed ‘undead’ and killed them again. If this sounds confusing to you, imagine the reaction of my neighbor, Mrs. Neanderthal.
Though duly recorded on Worldometer (www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/spain/), the site is still recovering from shock and had to think for two days before articulating a way to explain this surprising change in its graphs for Spain. Eminent epidemiologists here affirm that as a result of this, no one has the least idea of how the pandemic is going in Spain. Perhaps it is better not to know.
According to the official explanation, this sudden improvement occurred because the government decided to cancel out all deaths attributed to coronavirus, where there was no PCR diagnosis. Simply dying in an elderly care facility along with 20 other (untested) people who also died with symptoms of coronavirus was suddenly not sufficient evidence to be classified as a coronavirus death.
Sherlock Holmes would have deplored the government’s powers of deduction, but on the brighter side, it does make us look better and will doubtlessly lure tourists back.
The government has also significantly improved contagion statistics by only counting cases detected with PCR tests and by not counting those detected with serology tests. This creative counting method is further enhanced by the fact that the new statistics for Covid-19 recoveries do include the recoveries from cases detected with serology tests as well as PCR.
This statistical juggling act has created the illusion of a more positive scenario, which might even correspond to reality. Who knows? One can only applaud because now the de-escalation process can be streamlined, which hopefully will prevent further economic collapse.
Nevertheless, everyone is aware that the newly ‘undead’ people really died of coronavirus. The only reason that they were not tested was that no tests were available. The first shipments of tests from China were defective and had to be returned. But people kept dying anyway. Death does not wait for governments to get their act together.
There are people that would say that none of this really matters. They would say that “dead is dead”. I would say that there are two thousand zombies that now walk among us.
