The number of coronavirus infections and deaths continues to grow at an alarming rate throughout the world. In most countries, the curve is still rising or barely beginning to plateau. This is a reminder that this crisis is far from over.
Yesterday, in Spain, there were (only?) 3968 new cases and 430 deaths. Though still depressing, this is a slight improvement over how things were at the beginning of April. At least, fewer coffins were added to the official death toll of over 21,000. Although Spain has timidly begun to de-escalate, we are still unsure whether it is too soon to rejoice.
Because in Spain, we have been hit so hard (455 deaths per million) and have suffered great losses because of the lack of foresight of our government, we can only observe the lunacy rampant in the rest of the world with dismay and disbelief.
Because we have been confined for over a month and have accepted this draconian measure as the only way to emerge from the tunnel, we have difficulty believing that people in other countries are currently participating in protest marches against confinement.
According to the news, there are people complaining about in-place sheltering because it violates their freedom to become infected by Covid-19 (as well as their sacred right to infect others). In Texas, people are also marching with signs saying that they desperately need a haircut, pedicure, or massage. There are even people who feel deprived because they cannot go bowling or play golf.
These people should definitely consider emigrating to one of the countries governed by members of the Ostrich Alliance. This strange club consists of the presidents of Brazil, Belarus, Nicaragua, and Turkmenistan, who still refuse to take Covid-19 seriously or acknowledge it is a threat. A few barely acknowledge it at all.
Since these leaders are members of an increasingly rare species that will doubtlessly become extinct in the near future, it is useful to record their habits and behavior for the sake of posterity.
President Bolsonaro of Brazil is perhaps the most famous of the four coronavirus ostriches. Since the beginning of the pandemic, he has staunchly defended that Covid-19 is little more than the flu. However, after almost 44,000 cases and 2761 deaths in Brazil, the hardest hit country in South America, he has finally admitted that there may be a slight problem. He is thus encouraging the population not to be cowardly and to take the bull by the horns: “The virus is out there and we will have to face it, but like men, damn it, not kids” (his translated words). Severely tempting karma, he has even stated that if he were infected by the virus, he would have no worries because he is protected by his track record as an athlete.
His state governors, who appear to have somewhat better sense than their president, have imposed lockdowns on the population. However, Bolsonaro does not agree and has even sided with the lockdown protestors, whom he calls ‘patriots’ for defending individual freedoms. Up until now, the only measure that he has implemented to combat Covid-19 has been to fire his Minister of Health (appointed by him), but who was sufficiently intelligent to disagree with his policies.
The second member of the Ostrich Alliance is President Lukashenko of Belarus, who is an even more curious specimen. After 29 confirmed coronavirus deaths in Belarus, he reassured the population that no one would die of coronavirus in his country. (Today, the official death tally stands at 55.) In his opinion, the best way that the population can protect themselves from the virus is to play ice hockey, drive tractors, use the sauna, drink vodka, and pet baby goats (yes, truth is often stranger than fiction). Despite 6,723 cases of coronavirus, he does not envisage any restrictive measures to combat the outbreak because such measures could damage the economy.
Daniel Ortega, President of Nicaragua, has also addressed coronavirus in a creative way. When the pandemic began, he strategically disappeared from public life (perhaps to meditate or practice mindfulness). The nation that he is supposed to be governing had no idea whether he was alive or dead. In this spiritual retirement, he was perhaps trying to commune with a superior Being, who would illuminate him and reveal how to deal with the crisis.
When he reappeared 34 days later, it became evident that the superior Being was as clueless as he is. The only revelation conveyed in his post-disappearance speech, which lasted barely 25 minutes, was that the pandemic had been sent by God (for some unspecified reason). It was a force that was impossible to contain, even if one had sufficient resources to do so, which Nicaragua does not. For this reason, the population would have to confront it with patience and fortitude. He also alluded to atomic bombs though no one is quite sure why.
In his speech, no explanation was given for his disappearance. Despite his condolences to the families that had lost loved ones, he only mentioned that the people of Nicaragua should follow the guidelines set down by the Ministry of Health. It is to be lamented that such guidelines do not as yet exist.
Thousands of testing kits donated to Nicaragua by the Central American Bank of Economic Integration have not been used probably because the government does not want to alarm the population. Evidently, if people are not tested, then it is impossible to identify the deaths that occur as coronavirus deaths.
In Nicaragua, the government has officially acknowledged the existence of only 10 cases of Covid-19 and 2 deaths. The condolences offered by President Ortega in his nationally televised speech were thus directed at only two families in the entire nation, a personal message that they doubtlessly appreciated.
The Nicaraguan Ministry of Health has said that quarantine is unnecessary because it would alarm the population. As a result, Nicaragua still holds religious services, marathons, and public concerts.
Finally, President Berdimuhamedow of Turkmenistan is the most curious case of all. Firstly, he should be heartily congratulated because his country is one of the very few in the world with no documented cases of coronavirus. This is totally understandable since he rejoices in the nickname of Arkadag [Protector]. The positive coronavirus statistics of Turkmenistan seem to indicate that he is endeavoring to live up to his name.
He attributes the absence of coronavirus cases to burning the herb yuzarlik, which supposedly prevents infectious diseases “invisible to the naked eye”. Despite the lack of scientific evidence supporting this measure, this herb’s smoke is used to fumigate government buildings, offices, markets, schools and cemeteries to ward off the virus. He also recommends that the population drink infusions made from medicinal plants. Given the absence of coronavirus in Turkmenistan, the WHO should also consider these strategies.
However, he especially favors “strengthening the principles of healthy living” through public feats of athletic prowess. These include soccer matches as well as bicycle riding around the capital. In addition, on 26 April, the country will celebrate National Horse Day in honor of the horse breed on the country's official coat of arms.
Berdimuhamedow’s approach to the pandemic is particularly gratifying to linguists because it is also based on language and the undeniable power of the spoken word. He has eradicated the disease by discouraging the use of coronavirus in newspapers, broadcasts, documents, and even in conversation. By eliminating the word, he has effectively exterminated the concept that it designates. The impossibility of mentioning coronavirus has even spurred the linguistic creativity of television broadcasters, who have had to invent synonyms for it.
Paradoxically, despite the fact that Covid-19 does not officially exist in Turkmenistan, a variety of preventive measures have been implemented though the government has not said exactly why. For example, cafes, restaurants, and entertainment have been shut down and flights to other countries, such as China, have been cancelled. Travel between provinces is also difficult because of the checkpoints that have been suddenly set up. The official reason for implementing these measures is to ward off “acute seasonal viral infections”.
Since Turkmenistan, along with North Korea, is one of the most closed societies in the world, it is difficult to know what is going on there, but it would be nothing short of miraculous if the country did not have various cases of coronavirus.
The Ostrich Alliance is currently a select club of four, but it used to be much larger. Three months ago, its members included the leaders of some of the most powerful nations in the world. We laugh at the odd coronavirus remedies proposed by the leaders of Belarus and Turkmenistan, and shake our head at the idiocy of the leaders of Nicaragua and Brazil, but not so long ago, our own leaders were just as blind. Some of them even proposed miracle drugs, which (when they work at all) are only slightly more effective than driving tractors or petting goats. It only took several thousand deaths to convince these world leaders, so well known for their perception and insight, that they had underestimated the invisible enemy.
